


The name of pain is love.

by ballpointpennn



Category: SEVENTEEN - Fandom
Genre: M/M, angsty as fuck sorry for breaking yall's hearts :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 15:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17082992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballpointpennn/pseuds/ballpointpennn
Summary: Hansol and Seungkwan.Seungkwan and Hansol.It had always been like that. Nothing more, nothing less.Fortune is for those who are lucky.They weren't.





	The name of pain is love.

**Author's Note:**

> so this one is DEFINITELY a heartbreaker, leave kudos if you cried!! 💗  
> sadist writer much, huh?

The members had always been teasing Hansol and Seungkwan about their obvious crushes on eachother. It was fun, it embarrassed them a lot. The members had lots of laughs with it, and they didn't really seem to mind. Their love brought happiness in the group and none of them had been homophobic about the whole thing. They grew up with it, so it was kind of normal to them. Until one day...

<< F L A S H B A C K >>

"I swear to God, Hansol! Who dances like that? You suck!" Wonwoo playfully yelled across the room.

"The only thing he sucks is Seungkwan's dick!" Seokmin yelled back, trying to protect his friends but failing as the group bursts out into laughter. Seungkwan hid his face in his oversized grey hoodie to make sure no one saw how flustered he was.

"The ship is real!" Hoshi yelled, which made the members laugh even harder.

"Ofcourse, it is! Did you not see them kiss last week?" Junhui said as he joined the conversation.

"They what?!" Jeonghan shouted in disbelief.

Minghao's cheerful laughter interfered with the rest of them. "Yeah, we caught them in the kitchen!" He said.

Seungkwan only hid himself deeper into his hoodie. He knew he was beaming with redness across his cheeks.

"Guys! Knock it off, can't you see he's embarassed?" The leader said in a fatherly way. The laughing turned into muttering slowly.

"You were the one who started the entire ship thing. Now you gotta accept that your kids learn from you, Coups." Woozi said as he passed the leader.

"Hey-" S.Coups started but the Vocal team leader had already dissapeared into his studio. 

"How about we do the choreo again and then go for food in town?" Joshua suggested. They all cheered and got off of the ground. Dino went to Seungkwan to check on him, while Mingyu walked over to Hansol.

"You okay, hyung?" The maknae asked softly.

Seungkwan peeked out of his hoodie. "I guess." He whispered.

"Let's go before Hoshi-hyung gets angry at us." Dino said with a gentle voice. Their youngest had a very kind soul, that much was true.

<< E N D O F F L A S H B A C K >>

Seungcheol played with his keys as he stared at the ceiling of the bunk bed above him. He had to do it. He had to tell them that it should stop. That it wasn't allowed anymore. He had cried so much because of it already, who knew how much he'd cry when he had actually forced them to be apart?

The leader took a deep breath and stood up. He rubbed his irritated eyes and walked towards the living room. What he found there wasn't helping what he had to do. Seungkwan and Hansol sat underneath a blanket, close to eachother with a satisfied smile on their faces. 

"Hansol." Seungcheol said in a hoarse voice causing the younger to look at him. He tilted his head in a quick move, signaling him to follow. Hansol stood up and looked at Seungkwan with a worried look on his face. Seungcheol led him to the balcony.

He closed the door and heard the younger's fragile voice calling out for him. "Hyung?" Hansol asked, the fear clearly audible in his voice, "What's wrong?"

Seungcheol looked at him. How could he do this? Why did he even have to? The leader looked away and gathered his words. They laid ready on his tongue and waited to be said. "You have to break up with Seungkwan." Seungcheol said very softly, trying his best not to hear his own words. There came no response.

"Why-" Seungcheol inturrupted Hansol harshly. "You know why! Don't make me explain this. It's hard enough for me already. I don't want this either. I know how much you two love eachother. But we just can't take the risk right after debut. It's too dangerous."

Hansol felt his tears coming already. Seungkwan. That boy meant the world to him. "Hyung, please-" He got cut off by his own sob. Seungcheol grasped into the railings tightly. "No. This is final. I'm so sorry." The leader needed so much energy to stay strong in moments like these, and he didn't know how he did it. He heard Hansol walk back inside. He could feel the pain radiating from the younger. Seungcheol couldn't do it anymore. He bursted out in tears of guilt in the middle of this cold night.

"Vernonie, are you okay? What did he tell you?" Seungkwan jumped up off of the sofa and wiped away the younger's tears immediatly. "Let's go to our room." Hansol said softly. The other members seated in the living room either tried to ignore it or held their breaths. They knew what was going on and what was going to happen. There was no escaping it and no one liked it. Seungkwan was clueless to the following information and followed Hansol to their shared room.

About 15 minutes later, Seungkwan ran to the hallway. He was crying in the most heartbreaking way as he put on his shoes and jacket. The other members hurried over but were too late as they saw the door slam shut. A faint whisper came from behind them. "Give him some time." Hansol said, his eyes swollen and red. His face glistened with tears. "Just give him some time. We'll manage." The last sentence came out very softly as if it reflected his broken heart. Seventeen got overflowed with a sea of sadness as the younger boy returned to his room quietly. The members were torn in between their hearts and minds. "Where is Seungcheol-hyung?" Joshua asked. "Balcony." Chan answered. They all knew why he had stayed there. "I'll go." Junhui said. 

As soon as the cold, nightly air hit Jun's skin, he shivered. The smell of cigarettes was sharp. He sat down next to his leader and took one himself.

"You did the right thing, hyung." He whispered.

"I broke their hearts to keep our fame." Seungcheol answered. He took a drag from his burning cigarette and exhaled the smoke with a sigh. "It's fucked up."

Jun couldn't agree more with what he said. "But get this, hyung, you also saved them from loads of hate and possible loss of their jobs. What's Seventeen without Seungkwan and Vernon after all?" Jun responded. He too exhaled his smoke, hoping that the guilt would leave along with it.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing." Seungcheol answered, "I stole their happiness, Junhui. I killed their love."

Jun noticed his tears in the moonlight. "Pain fades. You know that." He said as he took another drag from his cigarette.

Seungcheol laughed softly. "It won't." He said.

Junhui felt confused. "How can you know that?" He said.

The leader looked at him. As the tears fell down his cheeks he answered: "Because what they have is true love. And that shit hurts like hell."

{ 1 W E E K L A T E R }

Not a word had been exchanged between the two ever since that night. They couldn't even handle standing beside eachother during broadcasts and interviews. The group was trying their hardest to survive. 

To Seungkwan, every glance at Hansol felt like a cut through his heart. He had done nothing but cry alone in his bed, hoping that the other members would leave him be. He felt like he was suffocating. The pain in his chest was burning like a wild fire. It turned his appetite into ashes and that worried the members most. Seungkwan ate less and less every day. 

{ 2 W E E K S L A T E R }

Loud screeching broke the silence in the dorm. It was 3AM and Seungcheol jumped out of his bed. He ran towards the noise and barged into the Vocal Unit's room. Jeonghan was shaking Seungkwan, in order to wake him up.

Suddenly Hansol ran into the room too. Mingyu quickly followed and grasped his arms. "Let me go! Please!" Hansol pleaded with tears in his eyes. "No, Hansol." Mingyu replied and he pulled him back into the hallway. "Seungkwan!" Hansol yelled through his tears.

Joshua quickly locked the door. Seokmin stood there watching their friend being tortured in his subconsciousness, he was too caught up in his worry for Seungkwan. Seungcheol helped Jeonghan to wake Seungkwan and the poor boy opened his eyes.

He sat up immediatly and panted heavily. Seungkwan was covered in sweat and his face glistened with tears and saliva.

"Hey, Seungkwan? Seungkwan, it's okay. It was just a bad dream." Jeonghan said gently as he took the boy in his arms. "It's okay, Seungkwannie, it's okay." He whispered as he stroked the younger's damp hair gently.

Seungkwan continued to cry and trembled a tad harder as he did so. Joshua and Seokmin sat on the bed too and looked at their friend with a lot of worries racing through their minds. 

"Seokmin, go get a wet washing cloth. He feels hot." Jeonghan asked. Seokmin immediatly left the room. The three eldest looked at eachother and knew that they'd have to talk about this again. There had to be a solution for this all. Seungkwan had been having these kind nightmares for a few nights now. He was broken and they were prepared to do anything to fix him. 

{ 1 M O N T H L A T E R }

Jihoon and Seungkwan had been in the recording room for about an hour now, which was unusually long. The members had begun to worry but no one wanted to disturb. They all glanced at the door every once in a while, hoping that a smiling Seungkwan would come out. 

"Just close your eyes and focus, okay? You got this." Jihoon said. He bit his lip as he doubted his own words and started the music.

Seungkwan started singing again. His voice sounded fragile and hoarse.

Jihoon pushed the button again and sighed. The music stopped abruptly and the fear made Seungkwan shiver already.

"This is not going to work." Jihoon said, his dissapointment clear in the way he spoke. 

"Jihoon, I-" Seungkwan was about to apoligize, but Jihoon ordered him to wait there and left. 

Seungkwan stared at the mic and fumbled with his shirt.

He heard the door open again and Seokmin, Joshua and Jeonghan walked in the room with him. They all looked at him with the same empathy and asked him to come out of the recording booth. Seungkwan was clueless to what was going to happen and they all went to Jihoon's little office.

They closed the door and made sure that it was cozy inside by dimming the lights a bit. Jihoon raised himself onto his desk, Joshua took a seat in the big chair, Seokmin leaned against the wall and Seungkwan and Jeonghan sat down on the sofa.

"We figured it was time to hold a Vocal Unit group session. You know, to sing whatever songs we want and to make sure we feel relieved after." Jeonghan explained as he stroked Seungkwan's back. The younger nodded and Joshua turned in the chair to search for the first song.

The soft beat of We Gonna Make It Shine played through the boxes and soft smiles came from everyone. This was the song that bonded them and gave them courage to go on, together. 

They started singing the first lines together and Seungkwan sang along softly. His lines came first and he began carefully, gaining confidence as he sang further. The others sang their lines and gave him reassuring smiles. Woozi and Joshua harmonized the whole song by singing "We gonna make it shine." softly during the others' lines.

It sounded beautiful and as Seungkwan's high notes approached, he braced himself. His wonderful, calming and soothing voice rebounded in between the walls of the studio. 

Seungkwan sang with his eyes shut, focussing on the feeling of pure passion within him. Everyone was speechless and Seokmin forgot to sing half of his following lines, making Seungkwan smile brightly. The rest of them chuckled too. They finished the song perfectly and continued by covering all sorts of songs together, playing with the lyrics and bursting out in dramatic characters to match the song. They all had a good time and felt so relieved to see Seungkwan smile and even laugh.

But outside of their happy place, a war was coming. Hansol wasn't following at all. He was stuck in his own world like always. They were writing lyrics together and brainstorming about beats to match them. But Hansol was leaned back in his chair, drawing a quick sketch of the one he missed most.

"Hansol, what do you think?" Wonwoo asked. Seungcheol gave him a pair of warning eyes. The leader was becoming frustrated with how careless Hansol seemed for the past few days. Hansol took a quick look at the lyrics Wonwoo showed him and shrugged.

"Sure, looks good." He mumbled. Wonwoo held back a sigh and exchanged looks with Mingyu and Seungcheol.

"Hansol, come with me for a bit." The leader said and stood up. Hansol didn't want to but gave in eventually.

"What." He said as he walked to the hallway with him. "You have to focus, Hansol. This is our job. It's a serious matter, man." Seungcheol said.

Hansol seemed angry, as if any wrong words would make him explode.

"You have to stop thinking about Seungkwan. It would be better for everyone. Then you can focu-" Seungcheol cut himself off as he saw how insulted Hansol felt.

The boy stood there, in tears with his fists clenched tightly. "Don't you think I'm trying? I'm fucking trying my hardest to stop thinking about him! But I can't, Seungcheol, I can't! And the fact that I can't focus is your fault ! It's just all your fault! You ruined every bit of happiness I felt! I hope you're fucking happy now that our fame is being kept by our suffering!" He shouted as the tears ran down his face.

Seungcheol felt so hurt that it angered him. As if he hadn't done enough for this group! He just wanted what was best for them! He saved all of their careers for Christ's sake! Seungcheol slapped Hansol in the face harshly.

The boy looked back at him and stepped backwards. "How can you still look at yourself, man?" He whispered through his tears.

Hansol stormed inside to grab his stuff and left to go home. Seungcheol was left alone in the hallway.

{ 1 Y E A R L A T E R }

The hot water ran down Seungkwan's naked body. Today's practice had been hard and his throat ached too. The high notes were insane and Jihoon had pressured him to reach them. He thought back of the fight that had occured because of it.

Seungkwan had heard Hansol and Jihoon shouting at eachother at the top of their lungs when he left. Hansol didn't think it was okay that Jihoon had forced him to do something his vocal chords weren't ready for.

Seungkwan felt the burning pain in his chest taking form of tears and tried to ban the last part of that memory out of his head.

Jihoon had shouted at Hansol that he should learn to put his personal and work life apart. 

After that, all Seungkwan heard was silence and a bit after that a faint apology. He tried washing away his pain, but it didn't help. It was clear that even after all those months, Hansol still loved him deeply.

Seungkwan had tried everything to get rid of his cursed feelings for the younger, but nothing had helped. His tears weren't noticed by the water as they collided with it.

The members knew how much he cried about it and they tried to help, but Seungkwan always pushed them away.

Suddenly he heard the shower door open. He looked over his shoulder and was prepared to yell at the member that had the guts to come in here while he was completely naked. But he closed his mouth once he recognized Hansol.

He turned around and felt glad that the vapor covered his private parts. Even though they had showered together a lot during predebut, Seungkwan still felt shy when he was naked around Hansol.

The younger pushed him against the cold tiles. "I can't do this anymore." He said in a hoarse voice.

Seungkwan noticed how red and swollen his eyes were. Hansol had been crying, it was clear. Seungkwan felt the tears run down his cheeks quickly. Hansol wiped his tears away gently. 

Seungkwan felt that he was going to collapse and didn't think clearly when he locked their lips into a freeing, passionate kiss. Hansol felt as if the hole in his chest had grown shut again and felt so overwhelmed that he moaned into the kiss.

Seungkwan pulled Hansol closer and deepened the kiss by nibbling his bottom lip for enterance. Hansol allowed him to explore his mouth. Feeling Seungkwan's bare skin against his was more then he could've asked for.

Hansol wanted to be closer to Seungkwan, as close as he could get. His hands travelled down to Seungkwan's lower back as he pushed their wet bodies together.

Seungkwan gasped at the sudden closeness and slid his hands into Hansol's neck gently. He could sense how much the younger wanted- needed him. He broke their kiss and trailed pecks from his jaw, to his neck and collar bones. Hansol's breathy moans were soft and silent.

He loved the feeling of Seungkwan's smooth lips against his skin so much. Every kiss the elder placed was filled with utter defeat, love and desire. Seungkwan's hands were sliding down his torso slowly, as if he was trying to remember Hansol's body by touch. His lips followed the path of his hands as he kissed down the younger's chest.

But Hansol cupped his face and brought him up again. "Let me pleasure you." He whispered. 

Hansol pulled the elder into a loving, heated kiss and worked his way to Seungkwan's neck. He wanted to hear his forbidden lover, he needed to hear Seungkwan moan his name.

It gave him so much satisfaction when Seungkwan let him know that he belonged to him. It had been long ever since they'd touched eachother so intimately.

They only had sex 2 times before and that was the day before they were forced to break up and three months after that. The two had agreed to be just friends since then, but Hansol just got so fed up with it that he lost all his fucks. He raced his teeth over Seungkwan's collar bones, desperate to mark him.

He felt the elder softly pushing against his chest, signaling him to not do what he craved. Hansol sighed and felt Seungkwan stroking his back gently. "We don't need hickies to prove that I am yours." Seungkwan said softly.

Hansol looked at him and felt the tears warning him as they made eyecontact. "Hey, baby, don't cry. It's alright. I'm yours, Hansol, I have been since the day we met." Seungkwan said as he stroked the younger's cheeks.

Before Seungkwan could take his next breath, Hansol had smashed his lips onto his own. Hansol pushed hard into the kiss and immediatly entered his tongue in between Seungkwan's soft lips.

The elder felt warmth spreading across his entire body and kissed back with just as much passion. Hansol squeezed Seungkwan's buttcheeks gently and heard his lover moan at the touch.

He placed flighty kisses down the elder's body and took him in as soon as he reached Seungkwan's lower body. Hansol swirled his tongue around Seungkwan's tip and used hand support too. Seungkwan leaned his head against the tiles and bit his lip, trying his best to stay quiet.

He broke when he felt the tip of his member touch Hansol's throat and moaned out the younger's name.

Seungkwan roamed his fingers through Hansol's hair gently. Hansol enjoyed hearing those melodic moans again and kept pleasuring his lover until he felt the precum seeping into his throat. He stood up and met Seungkwan's weak face.

"Do you need prep-" Hansol was inturrupted.   
"No. Please. Just make love to me, now." Seungkwan said.

Hansol turned Seungkwan around and entered him carefully. He heard the elder yelp in pain. "Are you okay?" He asked. Seungkwan nodded in return.

Hansol waited for a sign to move as he held himself back with all his might. When he noticed that Seungkwan was adjusted, he started thrusting slowly almost torturing himself.

He thrusted deeper as he pushed Seungkwan against his chest, allowing the elder to let his head fall onto his shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around Seungkwan's waist and picked up the pace as he kissed Seungkwan's neck trying his best not to leave any spots.

Seungkwan moaned out loudly and immediatly bit his lip when he felt Hansol hitting that spot just right. "More-" He managed.

Hansol thrusted into him hard as he chased his orgasm. Both felt an incredible race of chemicals speeding through their veins only to gather down there and form into a tight knot, waiting to explode.

Seungkwan was first to cum as he released with a silent moan while his lips formed a smile. Hansol pulled out as soon as he felt the bubble in his lower abdomen pop and let the water wash away his cum. He kissed the back of Seungkwan's shoulder and the elder turned around.

They leaned their foreheads together and kissed eachother once again focussing on the mutual fire that had been burning since predebut.

"Coups! Coups-hyung! You have to see this!" Jeonghan whisper-yelled at Seungcheol. The clueless leader followed Seventeen's angel to the room where the hiphop unit slept.

Tears filled his eyes as soon as he laid eyes on the sleeping pair in Hansol's lower bunk bed. Hansol had his arms around Seungkwan, as the vocal was nuzzled against his neck.

S. Coups looked at Jeonghan. The angel saw the glistening tears run down his cheeks.

"I can't do this. I can't do this again. Jeonghan, please. I can't do this." He cried softly. 

Jeonghan closed the door and embraced his leader. "Shhh..." Jeonghan whispered. He stroked the back of Seungcheol's head gently,and tried to calm him down.

S. Coups felt a sudden ticklish warmth around his heart and pulled out of the hug slowly. When he and Jeonghan made eyecontact, both knew that they just got tangled up in the exact same mess as their friends.

The next day the boys were headed out once again to go perform. Hansol hadn't dared to look at Seungkwan. He knew it would just hurt too much. They were both scolded by Seungcheol once again. It was painful and embarrasing to them. They just wanted to love eachother, and now they weren't even allowed to sit in the same van as eachother. Hansol looked out of the window, his eyes focussed on the van behind them. 

**Vernonie**  
I'm here, love, I'll be with you soon don't worry

Hansol tried to lighten his own pain by comforting Seungkwan with a text. His phone vibrated just as he wanted to put it back in his pocket and quickly checked the message.

**Seungkwan** ❤️  
I know, Vernonie, I miss you too

He smiled and felt the warmth take away his pain. He loved Seungkwan. So damn much. He felt like crying. One day he'd make that boy his by giving him a golden ring. And they'd be happy. Forever and always. 

 

BOOM.

 

The van behind them,  
Got hit,  
By another car.  
It flew in the air,   
Landed on the wrong side.

"Seungkwan!"

A screech, loud and hoarse. A reflection of a heart, shred to pieces. Tears, a reaction caused due shock. His entire body shook as it denied the loss. As pale as the moon itself. All the warmth.

Gone forever. 

Weeks,  
The screaming started at night. Every night. Loud and heartbreaking. Full of tears and cracks. His nightmares became worse. The trauma replayed in his head as if it planned to kill him. Which was exactly what it was doing to him.

"Seungkwan, no, please, Seungkwan! Please! Come back! Come back, Seungkwan! Please! Please! Please! Seungkwan!" 

"Hansol, wake up!" 

He shot awake, choking on his tears. The saliva ran down his irritated skin, his eyes thick with hours of nonstop crying. His hair and body wet with cold sweat. He was trembling as he gripped onto his own shirt. Forced into the arms of his leader, to calm himself down. His throat ached from the screaming. He forgot how to speak.

Months,  
Hansol turned into a blank page. Loss of emotions. Loss of expression. He lost everything. It was as if Seungkwan had taken his smile with him. Hansol had no more tears to cry. He was stuck in his own mind, forced to live without an escape. He constantly replayed every song Seungkwan sang in. Just to have him close. Just to hear his voice again. To keep himself sane. 

Years.  
It was his last night. He knew it. Only he did. Seventeen had disbanded a few years ago. Everyone had went their own way. They still stayed in touch ofcourse, but Hansol would always lie. He had craved this night ever since that very moment. The moment he lost his other half. 

The gun was ready in his hands. His front door unlocked. His letters written. He placed it at his head. He took a last look at his phone and smiled before pulling the trigger.

**Vernonie**  
I'm here, love, I'll be with you soon don't worry

**Seungkwan** ❤️  
I know, Vernonie, I miss you too


End file.
